This has been one helluva stretch for me. My mom’s cancer diagnosis in spring of 2019 rocked me to my core. When people say they had a feeling about something or they saw it coming, I believe in that now. I had a feeling something was different…something was wrong. Hearing the words ‘inoperable’ and ‘incurable’ took my breath away. I cannot even begin to describe the feeling of helplessness that those two words evoked in me. I consider myself a strong individual, a doer. There was nothing the doer could do. The tumultuous months that followed are mostly a blur to me, I wanted to spend time alone with my mom, that caused a family riot. Go figure. I didn’t think things could get any worse, I don’t know why, my mother in law is always pointing it out lol. Maybe I’m immature or maybe just plain foolish, I don’t know but of course things did get worse, spring of 2020 came and it was a doozie!
I wasn’t totally unprepared to learn in March that my moms cancer had spread from her lungs to her brain. I had been warned by someone whose mother had gone through a similar experience. But no one could have prepared me for how that experience would feel. We were now on the doorstep of goodbye, the no going back permanency of death.
When I was a littler girl I remember riding my bike…I didn’t like to use the pedal brakes because they caused my back wheel to lock and it would fish tale my bike out of control. So instead I would take my feet off the pedals and brace them equally on the ground, the friction of the soles of my shoes against the pavement bringing me to a slow controlled stop.
Slow and controlled is how I like things but 2020 has been anything but slow and controlled. Cancer, Covid, closure of my business, I think I may have a permanent aversion to ‘C’ words in my future. I cannot think of a time in my life that my feet have been out so desperately, trying to slow myself down. Letting go isn’t easy, at least it isn’t for me. I’m learning. White knuckled, cheeks stained with tears, feet out wide searching for the comfort that the ground used to provide, I am learning. And as I’m able to, I will let go. Until then, I’m off to do some online shopping…new shoes…the soles of my current ones are wore right out.
“Out on the road that lies before me now
There are some turns where I will spin.
I only hope that you will hold me now
Till I can gain control again.”
Blue Rodeo